Lord of the Rings starring The Beatles
by tymime
Summary: Based on the rumor from the '60s about a LotR movie starring the Beatles. Script format.
1. Chapter 1

_**Prologue: On the Finding of the Ring**_

**Narrator (John's Storytelling Voice)**

Years ago in ages past, the evil Sauron created nineteen rings. Three were presented to the Elves, most ancient of the races of Middle-Earth. Seven to the dwarves, dwellers and miners of the mountains. Nine to the men, the most gullible. But there was one more ring, and in it Sauron placed his mighty power and used it to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! But then one day, in a very bloody battle of Sauron and his henchmen versus basically everyone else, Sauron was unexpectedly destroyed.

(As he speaks, we can see what he narrates about.)

(The man who killed Sauron, Isildur, takes the ring from Sauron's dead hand, played by the Chief Blue Meanie. It looks like the ring from _Help!_, and he fondles and inspects it.)

**Isildur** (Victor Spinetti)

With this ring, I could… dare I say it… rule the world!

**Man** (Roy Kinnear)

C'mon, man! You've got t'destroy that thing!

**Isildur**

No! It's mine! You can't have it! (suddenly struck by lightning)

**Narrator**

The ring betrayed him, it did.

(Ring goes flying and lands _ploop!_ in a muddy lake)

**Man**

Well, I guess that's good enough.

**Narrator**

But some things that shouldn't have been forgotten were. As time went by, everyone got a little bit older and a little bit slower, and rumor became legend, legend became myth. Until, it was found by the most unlikely creature…

(Smeagol and Deagol are together in a boat fishing)

**Deagol** (?)

Nothing like a good fishing trip, eh, Smeagol?

**Smeagol** (John Lennon)

You can say that again, Deagol.

**Deagol** (line is tugged violently)

I got one! It's big!

**Smeagol**

Go, Deagol!

(Suddenly, Deagol is pulled into the muddy lake)

**Smeagol**

Deagol? Deagol!

**Deagol** (appearing above the surface)

ptui Hey, look at what I found!

(Smeagol follows Deagol as they both head for shore)

**Smeagol** (squatting down next to Deagol)

'Ey, what is that?

**Deagol**

Dunno. Some ring. It's pretty, though.

**Smeagol** (looking at it greedily)

Can I 'ave it? It's me birthday, y'know.

**Deagol**

Er… no. No, you can't 'ave it!

**Smeagol**

Give it to me! (jumps on Deagol and they wrestle)

**Both**

Mine! Mine!

(Smeagol grabs Deagol by the throat and chokes him)

**Deagol**

gak gak (dies w/ eyes open)

(Smeagol pries the ring out of Deagol's dead hand and puts it on)

**Smeagol** (sings)

It's Smeagol's birthday… it's Smeagol's birthday…

**Voice**

'Ey, 'oo's there?

(Smeagol looks around nervously and then dashes off to the mountains)

**Narrator**

Smeagol never returned to his town, but lived in the depths of the Misty Mountains. The ring gave him an unnaturally long life, and transformed him until he knew no more of the outside, and became the creature known as Gollum. Soon he needed glasses.

(We see Smeagol over time as he turns into Gollum, looking like John with stringy hair, his granny glasses, and a heroin addiction.)

**Narrator**

But then, the ring got bored and decided to move on to another host. But it didn't know it would wind up in the hands of… a Hobbit.

**Bilbo** (Brian Epstein)

What's this? (picks up the ring from the muddy cave floor) Oh, I can't see a thing. Oh well. (puts it in his pocket)

**Gollum** (in the distance)

Our birthday present, preciousss! Where iss it? It'sss lossst!

**Narrator**

And for years, the ring faded in obscurity, Bilbo never knowing what it was or where it came from. He thought of it as a sort of souvenir from his adventure, and no more than a magic ring. Until one day…


	2. Chapter 2

_**Part One: A Long-Expected Shindig**_

**Bilbo** (walking up to his desk)

Hmm, I should write an introduction to my book. Not everyone knows what a Hobbit is. (sits down) Let's see… "Concerning Hobbits"…

**Bilbo** (V.O.)

This book is largely concerned with Hobbits, and the reader may be able to discover from its pages much of their character but little of their history. First of all, Hobbits are a kind of little people, as men and others call it, but smaller than a dwarf. They love peace and quiet, and never even think of going on adventures. Heh-heh. Except for me.

(Pan across the Shire and all its humble countryside-type beauty)

**Bilbo** (V.O.)

Hobbits live in the Shire, somewhere in between Brandywine River and the Far Downs. They tend to be fat, since they love eating and drinking. Their meals include 1st Breakfast, 2nd Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Luncheon, Teatime, Dinner, Supper, Dessert, and Midnight Snack. For those Hobbits on a diet, they exclude Dessert.

(Hobbit children playing, gardeners gardening, wives cooking…)

**Bilbo** (V.O.)

They don't wear shoes, since the soles of their feet are thick and provide protection, and the tops grow warm, furry hair. They dislike machines more complicated than a water-mill, but are handy with tools. Most of them, at least. All hobbits are lovely fellows, and like to have parties and give presents. The fashion of the day is earthy colors of rust, squash, pine, and turquoise. And, uh… well, I shall write more when I remember how the Hobbits got here in the first place.

(Bilbo looks at his scribbly handwriting and looks pleased)

**Bilbo**

That will have to do for now. I have to prepare for my birthday! (gets up leaves the room, closing the door behind him)

(An old cart filled with packages marked with the dwarf rune for "G" slowly heads down the road toward Bag End; Gandalf is driving it.)

**Hobbit Kid**

Ooh, look it's that wizard and his fireworks!

**Kid #2**

"G" for "Grand"! (jumps up and down)

(Gandalf smiles and continues driving. He soon arrives at Bilbo's front door)

**Bilbo** (opening the door)

Ah, you're here! Come in! (closes door as Gandalf enters)

**Gandalf** (George Harrison)

'Ow bright yer garden looks!

**Bilbo**

Yes, very fond of it indeed. But I need a holiday, and I shall miss it. Perhaps I could go to the Isle of Wight, if it's not too dear.

**Gandalf**

Y'mean t'go on with yer plan, then?

**Bilbo**

I do. Made up my mind months ago, and I haven't changed it.

**Gandalf**

Very well… Stick t'yer plan– yer 'ole plan –and we'll 'ope it'll bring balance an' brother'ood t'yer mind.

**Bilbo**

What's that mean?

**Gandalf**

I dunno, I jus' tho' it sounded distinguished-like.

**Bilbo**

Oh. (pause) Anyway, I mean to enjoy myself come Thursday, when I have my little joke.

**Gandalf**

Who'll laugh I wonder?

**Bilbo**

Probably only me.

(Now it's finally the day of the party! Everyone's there, invited and uninvited, with decorations all over the place, and presents piled high on the tables.)

**Frodo** (Paul McCartney)

I wonder when Bilbo will show?

(We see Sam sitting timidly at a table; Frodo approaches him)

**Frodo**

C'mon, Sam, get up and dance! (gestures toward a pretty girl)

**Sam** (Ringo Starr)

Naw, she'll only reject me in the end.

**Frodo**

Oh, you 'ave an inferiority complex?

**Sam** (mumbles)

Yeh, that's why I play the drums. To compensate, y'know…

**Frodo**

'Ey, look! There's Bilbo!

(Bilbo stands up on his seat and clears his throat)

**Bilbo** (projecting clearly)

My dear people!

**All**

Hear, hear!

**Bilbo**

Dear Bagginses, Brandybucks, Tooks, Boppers, Beanbags, Jelly-Babies, Tubbies, Stubbies, Goodytwoshoes, Foghorns, Badgers, and Bigfoots!

**Hobbit in the crowd**

Bigfeet!

**Bilbo**

Whatever.

**All**

Hear, hear!

**Bilbo**

Today is my eleventy-first birthday!

(Everyone slams their drinks on the table rapidly, some spilling)

**Bilbo**

I hope you are enjoying yourselves as much as I am!

**Most Everyone**

Yes!

**The Rest**

No!

**Bilbo**

Eleventy-one years is too short a time to live among such admirable Hobbits.

**All**

Hear, hear!

**Bilbo** (aside)

It's too bad it has to stay that way… (back to the crowd) I have to go now… to make a reservation… (fingers ring in his pocket) GOODBYE!

(Bam! Out like a candle! Everyone mumbles confused amongst themselves)

**Hobbit #2**

Hear, hear…?

(Back at Bag End)

**Bilbo** (slipping ring off)

Hee-hee! That was great!

**Gandalf** (entering)

I'm glad to find you visible. Did the prank go according to plan?

**Bilbo**

Yes! It did! But that bang did startle me a lot, as did the others. I suppose that was your doing?

**Gandalf**

Just a little firecracker o' mine… So now what do you plan to do?

**Bilbo**

Go on holiday, of course! The Isle of Wight was full up, so I'm just going to see where I can stay. Who knows where I'll end up…

**Gandalf**

So everything goes t' Frodo?

**Bilbo**

All except the clothes on my back.

**Gandalf**

Even th'ring?

**Bilbo**

What ring?

**Gandalf**

Bilbo…

**Bilbo**

Oh! That ring! It's on the mantelpiece. I think.

**Gandalf**

It's in yer pocket, Bilbo.

**Bilbo**

Oh, yes! Should've been obvious! (rummages through them) Now which one? (_Klunk!_ It falls on the floor) What do you know? I've got a hole in me pocket…

(He picks it up and looks at it)

**Bilbo**

I don't know… I quite like this ring… Why shouldn't I keep it?

**Gandalf**

You promised, Bilbo. Everything.

**Bilbo**

But it's so pretty!

**Gandalf**

I think you've 'ad that thing long enough. (reaches for it)

**Bilbo** (draws it away, clutching it)

No! My precious!

**Gandalf** (stops)

What did y'say?

**Bilbo**

Uh…

**Gandalf**

You said "precious", Bilbo…

**Bilbo**

Well… so what? I shall call it whatever I want!

**Gandalf** (stands up straight and tall)

Leave it 'ere!

**Bilbo**

Oh, all right… (hesitates, but drops it on the floor) You're mean…

**Gandalf**

There, now don't y'feel better?

**Bilbo**

Hey, you're right! Thanks! (walks out the door, singing to himself)

**Song: **The Road Goes Ever On

(Acoustic guitar and flutes, style reminiscent of "Mother Nature's Son", "Fool On The Hill", "Strawberry Fields Forever")

(Sometime later, Frodo comes in)

**Frodo**

Bilbo? Are you here? (pauses, and picks up the ring from the floor)

(Gandalf is sitting deep in thought, mumbling)

**Frodo**

Has he gone?

**Gandalf**

Long gone. Took the long and winding road.

**Frodo**

I thought he would. He makes it seem like a joke, but he's serious… I wish I could've said goodbye.

**Gandalf**

I think 'e preferred slippin' off quietly. But 'e's all right… fer now. He left you 'is ring.

**Frodo**

A ring? Maybe I can give it to Sam, then.

**Gandalf**

'E meant it for you, Frodo.

**Frodo**

Still, it may be useful.

**Gandalf**

Probably not. I wouldn't use it, if I were you. (hands him an envelope) Keep it secret, Frodo, and keep it safe. I'm goin' t'go do something mysterious. (leaves)

(In the morning, practically everyone is at the doorstep wondering what's happened to Bilbo.)

**Frodo** (to everyone)

He's gone on holiday. For good, as far as I know. I found that he's given some of you his furniture, though. (invites some of them in)

(The few that come in look around at the living room, find pieces of furniture, silverware, and other things, wrapped in the comics section, and labeled with things like, _For Hector_, or _For Jeremy_, and _For that guy who likes to sing in the tub, I forget his name_.)

(Years go by, and Gandalf doesn't show. Then one day, a knock came at the door.)

**Frodo** (irritable)

Oh, not another relative… it's been so many years, and they're still talking about it.

(Another knock; Frodo again ignores it. Then Gandalf's head appears at the window)

**Gandalf**

Aren't you goin' t'let me in?

**Frodo**

Oops! I'm sorry! (goes to the door) Come in!

**Gandalf**

Ah, well, eh? You look th'same as you did then!

**Frodo**

I can't say the same about you… What's been going on?

**Gandalf**

It's th'ring Frodo. I want t'tell you something.

**Frodo**

It's plastic? I knew it!

**Gandalf**

No, no, Frodo! That ring is dangerous!

**Frodo**

Dangerous? In what way?

**Gandalf**

In many ways. It's so powerful that it could be used to take over the world.

(Frodo gulps)

**Gandalf**

Any mortal who wears it would be slowly possessed by it and if 'e was powerful enough, like me for instance, would wanna take over th'world and be able t'do it.

**Frodo**

How come you didn't know of this before?

**Gandalf**

Before, it was just a magic ring, though a suspicious one. I waited t'see if it was that specific ring, and when Bilbo showed no signs of age, my suspicions were raised.

(Frodo goes to get a teddy bear to hold)

**Gandalf**

When Bilbo started saying, "My precious, it's mine", I knew something was wrong. I went to th'local libraries when he left, and it took me years t'find the right book.

(We see Gandalf searching through dusty old books)

**Gandalf** (in library)

Lessee… ah… '_It was twenty years ago today, when the Ring was forged_'… bla bla bla… and th' markings are… ah-ha!

**Gandalf** (back in present)

Now, we 'ave one last test. Where's th'ring?

**Frodo**

On the mantelpiece. It's been there all these years. (picks up a dusty old envelope)

**Gandalf**

Really? (throws it into the fire)

**Frodo**

Ahhh! What did you do that for?

**Gandalf**

Wait fer it!

**Sam** (outside, trimming a bush)

What's goin' on in there?

(Gandalf picks up the ring with the tongs and hands it to Frodo)

**Gandalf**

'Ere, take it. It's not 'ot. It's actually quite lukewarm. There should be a poem on there.

**Frodo** (taking it)

I don't see anything. Wait… (looks at it closely) I can't read it. It's so tiny. (turns to Gandalf) What does it say?

**Gandalf**

It's in the dark tongue of Mordor, and I dare not say it. Loosely translated, it says:

"Dark Sauron mabe this ring one day,

And wib his evil mound,

He said, 'A-mimble mumble Mendelssohn,

A-gribbly horble found!'

And wib those worbs he put inside

All his scarey power,

But then he died and now he's stuck

As an eye on tob of his tower!"

(Gandalf pauses, as Frodo trembles like Jell-O, looking at the ring, horrified)

**Gandalf**

Well, that confirms everything. This is the One Ring, in all its 'orrible creepiness. Sauron did die, but since th'ring wasn't destroyed, he's still around as a big lidless eye searching for it all th'time. Sooner or later 'e's going t'find it, and we're all doomed!

**Frodo**

Wha-wh-what sh-should we do with it?

**Gandalf**

We must destroy it!

**Frodo**

F-fine then! We'll melt it! (tries to throw it in the fire, but can't)

**Gandalf**

Y'see? It's taking over already!

(Bum-bada-bum!)

**Frodo**

Aieee! Here, you take it!

**Gandalf**

Aieee! No! Ring bad!

**Frodo**

What can we do, then?

**Gandalf**

It wouldn't do any good t'destroy it by machine or 'uman 'ands. It can only be destroyed by throwing it into th'volcano that it was made in. An' that's directly in Mordor itself, at Mt. Doooooooooom!

**Frodo**

Mt. Doooooooooom?

**Gandalf**

Yes, Mt. Doooooooooom!.

**Frodo**

Then I must leave the Shire. Pack up everything and take the ring with me!

**Gandalf**

Yes, we should take it to Rivendell and discuss with Elrond who should take it t'Mordor. When you go, go as Mr. Shears. But you cannot go alone… Hmm, who should go with you…?

**Sam** (outside)

Can I come?

**Gandalf** (stomps over and pulls up Sam from outside the window)

Samwise Gamgee! Bless me beard, are y'eavesdroppin'?

**Sam**

Please, don't kill me, Mr. Gandalf, sir! I don't drop no eaves, sir! I pick them up if I do!

**Gandalf**

What 'ave you 'eard…?

**Sam**

I dunno, it was awful confusin' for me 'ead to understand, sir! There was a lot about a ring, a poem, and lots of Doooooooooom, but nothin' I could figure out! But one thing is that I don't want me friend Frodo leavin'!

**Gandalf**

Hmm… (puts him down) Very well. You can come along, since you obviously heard too much. Don't forget yer 'at.

**Sam**

Oh, thank you, sir! 'Ooray! (jumps up and down)


End file.
